On filmmaking

I begin a new film project today. Excitement is not the word I'd use for what I'm feeling at this moment. More like loathing. Trepidation. More like "what the hell am I doing?"

The dichotomy of my given career is this: I actually don't like working on set.

There. I said it.

Those who know me know this about me. Everyone tends to roll their eyes. Why don't I like working on set? Well, it's a combination of many factors beginning with the crazy, life-sucking long days, the discomfort with shooting conditions and weather and the the whole hurry-up-and-wait thing.

With each project I tackle, I always hope that I will feel different. That maybe one day I'll find a reason to love working on set more than hate it. To rebalance the scale, but alas, it has yet to happen.

Last year, I even dreaded the set of my own film. I co-produced and co-scripted the effort and still, each morning I woke up with that old familiar sense of dread. There I was, working to see my own vision come to life and I still couldn't get into it. Did I have fun on set? Sure. Occasionally. Was it worth it? Abso-fucking-lutely. But did I still loathe most parts of it. Without a doubt.

So the question most asked of me when I reveal this is: Why do you do it if you hate it? The answer isn't complicated but hard to understand. I work as a filmmaker because I love it.

Huh?

I know, I know. It doesn't make a ton of sense. Why would I claim to love something that I just said I hate? That's the dichotomy of it all. And, no, it's not just that I love filmmaking but I hate the work. I understand that the final product is a direct result of the months of effort put in on set. But this is the thing: Filmmaking sucks. It's hard, exhausting, debasing, cruel, tedious and often thankless. It breaks you down as a person, separating your good traits from your bad and wringing them out to dry in front of everyone. It's the essence of creative process. It's what happens to painters, writers, artists. And I hate the process. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

So I'm headed into this project with good intentions, although not positive. I already know that the next four weeks of my life will be filled with lack of sleep, body aches, headaches (real and imaginary), rude, insistent people asking too much of me and creative geniuses who will ask for every drop of blood and sweat I have... then a little more... just to see their "vision" come to life.

And I'll do it. I will do it until I can't anymore. I have to. After all, it's really the only thing I understand in this world.